Health and That Other Thing

Back at the end of November, I wasn't sure that December would be any easier to get through, but December wasn't as bad. Even if I did have to spend part of it in the hospital with a kidney and bladder infection. Four days in the hospital and a week or so of bed rest at home. I'm kind of surprised by how weak I am, even now.

So I spent the holidays in bed. The family decorated the tree, bought the gifts, prepared the meals, etc., which was nice and made me feel like a little kid. Other than being sick, I really loved having the house full of family and happiness.

I have always known that pain medication doesn't work on me the way it does for other people, but I haven't ever been able to get doctors or hospital staff to believe me. I would be asking for more morphine or what ever they were giving me, not because it felt so good, but because it wasn't killing any pain and I thought maybe the dose was too low. This kind of behavior gets you nowhere with the staff. I was once told that I was not there for a pill party! Party!? I was in serious pain.

In the emergency room, when the doctor was telling us that I would be staying, he said they would give me some morphine to make me more comfortable. I said, "Good luck with that." And got those familiar, skeptical looks from everyone when I said that morphine doesn't work on me. Over the next four days they tried all the big guns on me and none of them killed pain. At all.

They tried the morphine first, even though I'd told them not to bother. No pain was killed. I already know that I am allergic to codeine so they skipped that one, and tried demerol next. The nurse, I had most often, was great. She was blown away after she gave me the demerol and we kept chatting as if she'd given me nothing. I felt warmth spread out over my body and my muscles relaxed slightly, but that was it. No pain relief. She said she would have been unconscious with a third of the dose. I was really happy to have someone witness that I'm not making this up.

Over the next few days they tried something called toradol -nothing, again. Then the doctor said they would try something else, fentanyl or dilaudid or something, I don't remember anymore, but I told him I didn't think I'd bother with taking it if it came from the same poppy the other stuff came from. He said he hoped I would take it to see if it worked as a pain killer for me, so I did. It made me feel sleepier, but not only did it not kill the pain, it made me itch like mad, the way codeine does.

The only good thing that the narcotics did was slow my always busy mind down to one thought at a time! My thoughts always happen in a barrage formation, all interrupting each other. It was so different to have them so well behaved. Well, now I'm back to "normal" with a brain that functions like a rowdy preschool class. I'd much rather have my thoughts stand in line until I finished with one, and wait for me to say, "Next".

If someone, somewhere, is studying people who think pain killers are misnamed, I'd like to know what does work for a person like me, because if I ever get cancer or any other painful condition, I'm screwed. A morphine pump won't make any difference to me. Once in the past, after I had surgery below the waist, they used a spinal block to control the pain, and that worked until the needle fell out and they wouldn't put it back in. I'm really kind of frightened, to finally know for sure, that I will always continue to experience life "cold turkey".

Hoosier Student Nurse and Too Fat For Ponies crossed my mind when I was in the hospital. I was sure they would be great nurses.